My name is Sarah Howard, and I am a fictional character.

The Contract - Jacob Duck (1600-1667)

This is really a Facebook post, but Facebook expects me to express myself in 420 characters which, frankly, is not enough for me to get anywhere near to making an actual point.

Hello Facebook people.

You know how sometimes you have those nights where you are hepped up on a Fluoxetine G and Tonic or seven, and you come to a brilliant realization, which then makes you do something really dumb, like having a Mega-Large pepperoni and extra cheese pizza sent every lunchtime to Chris Christie’s office for a month.

Don’t try that, by the way. Defending restraining order applications can become expensive.

I have slept with enough lawyers over the years that some if it has rubbed off, and in my pink drug blur I realized that as a Proud Fictional American, in joining Facebook I should have proudly professed my Fictionality by opening a Page, not a profile (c/f Facebook Statement of Rights and Responsibilities). I immediately rectified my error, and hereby send my apologies to the busy beavers at Facebook Legal.

I am a Proud Fictional Republican Catholic American Woman.

I understand that all of my Friends have come across as people who “like this”, in the inimitable words of the Facebook.

Welcome to you all.

I mentioned that I did something dumb. This was that, in coming out to you as fictional for Facebook purposes, I of course forgot to back up my other information, so will have to work out, for example, what my address is. Bugger.

Anyway, thankyou for “liking” me, and for all the lovely comments and compliments that many of you posted on “real” Sarah’s profile, by the way. Now lost in the etheric layers, I suspect. Oh well.

If you’d like to chat with me on Facebook, assuming Facebook allows us to chat, then please feel free to do so. You can also read my posts variously, and sometimes simultaneously, at Sarah, Proud and Tall and Balloon Juice and Daily Kos . I do try to respond to people, but being imaginary is hard work, so please forgive me if I don’t.

To return to my new Facebook identity, I must note that I do object to being called a “this”.

I am not a “this” to be “liked” or “disliked” at the will of some wingnut with a keyboard and the typing skills and scent of a drunken baboon.

It also raises the question of whether I get to “like” or “dislike” you lot, or indeed my disgruntled, vaguely dumb and entirely fictional family when they manage to track me down again and insist on sending me pictures of my grand-niece Bridge managing to breathe two sticks of gum up her nose or young Tangent’s thriving rat-tail and frontal Fawcett Flip hairdo.

[Personal Note to Tangent: I did warn you. Grammy is calling her lawyer and there will be lots of fat, happy dogs wandering around Shady Pines when Grammy dies. The rat-tail goes. You can keep the Flip. If you want to spend your life being mistaken for a girl from behind by truckers, that’s your business.]

My name is Sarah Howard and I demand the same rights as every other American, real or not.

If you would like to like me, you can click here, apparently:

Sarah Howard

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3 Comments on “My name is Sarah Howard, and I am a fictional character.”

  1. David Brooks (not that one) says:

    I’m confused. As usual.

  2. Jeannette says:

    Masking yourself as a fictional character is a genius idea Mrs. Howard. I was growing concerned about you as the CIA is not the friendly agency it once was and for every day you didn’t post I worried that you were starring in more realistic version of “Rendition.” You know the one. Mr. Gyllenhaal wasn’t quite as delicious as he should have been and Ms. Witherspoon yelled and screamed a lot. I think. I could have been watching Entertainment Tonight with Nancy O’Dell and Tom Cruise.

    But what was I saying? Oh! Yes! You know you have to alternate the vodka tonic with the coffee if you want to keep your train of thought before lunch.

    Very, very well done to announce yourself as fictional.

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